A place for sharing the for-better and for-worse of marriage. Talking to a friend may be helpful, but you might also consider discussing your feelings with a mental health professional. All I had to do was pay for the meal prep, and pick up the meals. This is the response of a person who lives in the present. And one of the most troubling scenarios where you see this is when the wife becomes so upset that she cries and the husbands response is indifference, anger, frustration, or denial. Confirmed. 3. You cant expect people to stop. Our daughter just had surgery overseas. Perhaps he would consider reading the free treatment e-book (look in the treatment guide for it) and also consider adding some 'attend time' to his schedule. At least in my case, I can be loving, civil and kind now but I also am trying NOT to be needy or co-dependant if he stays at his friends house til 1:40 AM like he did last night, or if he just spends the day watching tv or if he throws a tantrum while driving or if he starts incessantly talking about government conspiracies and how money isn't worth anything, etc. When my husband found out he was angry and said " I can't justify spending that kind of money. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 09:54. Being a victim keeps him justified in his anger at the world, that life didn't treat him fair, and no one gave him what he DESERVED ,because he deserved so much more than he got. My husband thinks it's hilarious to ask when I'll be sexually available again but balks when I ask him for some ice to settle my stomach. this was my question. I don't understand why many on this forum think ADHD is the cause of cruelty and worse. He is withdrawing from you, and youre feeling alone. I am married for 10 years late in life now 60 ..and moved to Spain after 18 months I took the real flu I was in bed for 6 weeks with only sips of w (pleasantly though, I LOVE MY DAUGHTER, and am glad she was born) My example is though, that people really DON'T want long term consequences for their actions, and in today's world, excuses and denials are what so many folks use to get "out of" having to live with the results of their own actions. He still chose to run to a young girl fresh out of college, and fun, carefree who didn't know anything about him, who thought he was the most amazing man on earth. Yes my H also has ADHD, but it's not ADHD that causes his horrible behaviors, particularly when I'm sick/injured. Just comes to the door and looks at me like a piece of meat and then walks away and leaves after all of that? There is no reason under the son a man or woman should be second to anyone when it comes to survival in health, shelter or love period. Dont gauge this for the rest of your marriage. If I could boil down the difficulties, it really does come down to lack of love as you described. Some people wait until the water is visibly murky before performing maintenance on the tank. Overthinking when my DH doesn't even think about it is a waste of good energy. Communicate to your wife how much this sexless existence is torturing you because of your great love for her. Qualities many w ADDdo not possess. He even broke the kitchen sink to where it only puts out hot water. Partners are supposed to have each others backs, even when it doesnt seem like the best thing to do. I signed up for a local meal prep service, where they prepped a few dinners. It's "his" problem, and it's mostly a "focus" problem he thinks. You dont care about my illness. When I'm sick no one asks what I need to make me less miserable. Recently I was knocked down by a Press J to jump to the feed. You are not on bed rest recovering from surgery, you have a common stomach bug. Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Im worried and curious what to look for. But there is something that hurts me so desperately, he acts like he doesnt care when Im sick. But the way to stay unique and independent is to define when you will connect, rather than wait for him to notice at any time. You are not important. Anyway. Uggh. I like the don't be upset if I pull a you on you comment. The entitlements and abrasive treatment of others. You might be thinking, wow, why be with someone like that? Yeah, I remember when she was sick and I was doing everything for her as I just let her rest. I take care of her in sickness and in health.but our kids still come first. Isn't THAT ironic? And here is my confession, for I fall short of a Marvel superhero. Submitted by The Bride (not verified) on Mon, 07/13/2020 - 04:33. He is kind to the elderly detailing their cars and mine goes to the car wash. We also had an outdoor wedding to attend two weeks after I broke my foot . I dont expect to be doted on and coddled when Im sick, but some level of He wrote me a letter saying how he fell in love in college, and she left him, and he didn't want to feel "that hurt" again, so he basically shut "that part" of himself down, so that he wouldn't FEEL that. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 14:07. I am a romantic to this day. But I truly think my husband is being a pussy sometimes. I thrive from who I am independently although I still try to be a good wife and hold down most of the responsibilities that keep our family looking good for the most part. What should I do? I am a partner though, specifically yours. She says take medicine or go to doctor. That's just great! She was diagnosed with a mood disorder and anxiety in 2008. She was in the hospital two days and has a 3 week recovery time frame. He shows no concern for me - and this has to be narcissistic personality disorder. I would like to see him live with this and all the pain and cognitive dysfunction it causes. Any time I am not at 100% to run the household, restock the coffee, cook meals, put the kids to bed, do the laundry, etc. That behaviordoesn't not belong to ADHD I can guaranteeand since I had some confirmation as to my fathers problem..I can say that in his casethat was NPD! This becomes a real problem for me in one area especially. Lol. All 3 of her children had severe issues, which she blamed on them. So a few months ago I rang him to say my asthma was bad and I needed to get to I told him I am sick but he tells me to get rest and took off to entertain himself. Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Thu, 04/13/2017 - 17:29. Fear,is the one that gets the most use, and what he bases most of his interactions with. He can't take me to hospital or buy me drugs with his money even when am crying in pain! Even though we were engaged and had a date set, I still shouldn't have gotten pregnant, and THAT action left me with something that I would have to deal with the rest of my life. You are right. So, again, it's about him. Love. Several years ago they broke their foot (minor avulsion fracture) by twisting their ankle, requiring several weeks with a boot and wrap to recover. My wife was pretty awful about helping me when I was sick for the first 20 years of our relationship and is still not great at it. Pleasure. Guy didnt wish me happy birthday am I wrong to be upset? I will not beg for attention as I did in the past, crying because I was lonely. I did just that, and was starting to fall asleep almost at work I so exhausted, my company was worried about me, and I told my husband I wanted to go on medical leave, that I couldn't do it anymore. Please share ~ the relief is amazing! Of course my Hcalled right back saying he could not hear his phone(yet his friend heard his on the 2nd ring). I can not tell you how much I can relate to you and everyone else that has posted. I felt like I was dying, inside and out. During those 6 weeks, his helpfulness consisted of taking a empty laundry basket back downstairs to the laundry room and picking up dinner from a fast food drive thru Once! Some of the scorn heaped upon ADHDers by their non-ADHD partners must CERTAINLY be readable in their partner's body languageeven if their partner is trying to be nice. You never falter. He said I always run to my room when this happens and it will happen again. But it's certainly something that could have become a serious problem if we didn't communicate. He might show it in other ways. Sometimes, he can be vindictive in a passive way, like after I left him for that one month. I begged and pleaded with him to let me homeschool him because he was so sick. Thankfully, our two children were happy to help me. Nearly 17% were estranged from a member of their immediate family. I know some have stated this, others have said the opposite. Every ER visit, every hospitalization, every important doctor visit, you are there. I had to pay out of pocket to see a naturopathic doctor trained by ILADS(it is the best training for Lyme disease and tick borne infections treatment.) Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 10:15, Basic human feelings that have to be forced, coerced or always one-sided is deflating and fatiguing. It dramatically affected my relationship for the worse. But it was terrible to watch my child suffer like that. If you want to connect with your partner the 'trick' is two fold. Submitted by Jr4par83 on Mon, 11/23/2020 - 21:27. You should absolutely not expect to be treated as a child by your wife, and don't put your wife in the roll of your mother. Hinting at your desires will most likely push her further away. Gosh, feel better! Just the feeling at the moment. He lovesfamily when they are joking with him, but not if they need him. Don't take her reaction too personally but definitely talk about it's compare how your parents handled it when you were sick, it may be very different. My husband had the worst tantrum in front of a third person. Privacy And all my dh could do was go on and on about how much the window was going to cost to replace it, and it was all my fault. But one person doing all the nice things, loving things is very hard and eventually we all get tired of begging. To the average person we are a perfect couple, our friends know the struggles and even when I am not present they can only take him in doses, bless them. Submitted by c ur self on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 14:17, ( A true and internal lack of gratitude for his own life that God has granted him, and gratitude for the lives that have been entrusted TO him, which is an honor and which is humbling for the soul who can SEE this fact. Just gotta get used to it! Mistake on my part expecting a bit too much help from my partner. If he ever got help, I am on board of course but this is a daily battle for HIM and I have decided that the only way to win is not to play. I hear you, I cant count the number of times my husband made it very clear that myillness was a hughinconvenience for him there was no thought to how it made me feel. I was "out of commission" for 6 weeks. We've never broached this subject before and I'm worried about it ending up in a fight. He thinks about "whatever", in the moment he's in. Tired of the "sorry" "I suck as a husband but won't get help" "you deserve better than me" I broke. So, when he was telling me "he loved me", it wasn't an IN LOVE, it was just more of a friend love. Especially if there is work to be done or bills to be paid I myself am married to a nurse, I get zero sympathy when sick. No words. Sign #10: Not protective over you at all. Wanting to CONNECT? That's my two bits and I'm sticking too it. But I'm still keeping out of the way and limiting the inconvenience. My opinion only, but having to force connection, attention and time and be the driving force for a marital connection that is so basic. well, that seems hollow to me also. Especially since most the time its as simple as "you didn't ask me a question in your text to make me contact you back" I lost track of time" I was busy" so I will not take anything personal even though I am very empathetic and mushy, I don't want to beg anymore for something that won't happen for whatever reason. I just need a bit of support lol anyway, my wife won't be back until 4 PM. Do you think being obnoxious made him FOND of me? I jokingly call(ed) her "Florence Nightingale" because even others would notice how completely oblivious she was/is to any illness or discomfort on my part. It was a high pressure job in sales and recruiting, with a manager who later got in trouble for harrassingstaff and being absolutely unprofessional. When you marry, the two working, bill-paying adults in the house should set the important stuff togetherlike budget, schedule, vacations, house rules. It was horrible since I did it secretly. I have loved you for a long time, and we have been through so much together, but what Ive recently learned is this: You could care less about my illness. Should also consider the stress my wife is dealing with at work. Why? She will come in and ask me if I need/want anything and see how I am doing. I was a great person, still am as are you. I drink a gulp of beer and a stoke of cigar and really feel love..for that moment. I'm curious to see a female's perspective on this, especially someone who has been married to see if this holds true. His kids are always going to come before you. But know that people can take a while to be retrained to react differently. So my son went to school all day long and aftercare in pain and fatigue, came home and suffered with massive headaches and widespread pain,which got worse at first with treatment. My A-Hole ex Husband was a jerk to me when I broke my foot the year before we divorced. I could have written pages and pages in response. It tends to be E>S in females, and S>E in males, and S>E in ADHD regardless of gender. I like what Melissa said earlier, about becoming the person our husbands fell in love with. Terms. he gets very angry. Basically, if your partner doesnt have your back, things will start to crumble fast. Tell your spouse that although you Angry loud voice- "Where do youwant to go!?" Best of Luck to you all and I look forward to reading your story. The texting got out of hand and the rest is history. Consequences. My SO is not yet undergoing any kind of treatment. I shouldn't have to and I take very good care of myself after 27 years and a complete role reversal. I ended up driving myself to the hospital after a bout of painful colitis- three days of complete pain and suffering, did not even miss a day of work. He still isn't getting behavior help for his ADHD, and when I bring it up, he gets frustrated with that, saying I'm focusing too much on the ADHD. I have no compassion in my heart for this and I have no means to find it or excuse this as anything more than totally Fucked Up Shit!!! If you read anything about attachment theory, the bottom line is that if you had a parent who didn't attach to you, or rejected you, then you mostly likely develop an unhealthy attachment style you use with others. I will not call for a man when I am sick. How many people have you slept with in your life?? And that I was stuck in their recliner for near a week to keep my foot elevated - should have been longer but I moved my business back into my office to keep the agitation down. Submitted by dedelight4 on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 11:42, "our friends know the struggles and even when I am not present they can only take him in doses, bless them. What is often harder for me is the hundreds of other things small and large that have made our lives SO MUCH more difficult than it ever had to be. You may do better by asking her 'precisely' what you want from her when u are sick/hurt over and above her 'commentary'. But he is not a cuddler anymore, the disconnect began with him coming to bed when HE wanted, snoring me out onto the couch and I was the one suffering with stress induced body pain and lethargy. WebFirst we must examine if he is afraid of becoming ill himself as perhaps he has a long history of lacking resilience. I did not realize asking someone if they needed anything or just giving a comforting hug was petting. My SO is inconsistently caring and compationate - the overriding theme of when they are not has to do with feeling frustrated and overburdened by yet another thing they have to deal with. My husband continued to be gone 4-5 nights a week with activities and my kids were completely out of control during this time, so I was exhausted and dealing with severe behavior issues each evening. Impatient to a fault, hates to wait, hates to wait his turn. That can be very hard to do! When my wife gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep. Overall I think she has issues that a therapist would help with, but that will definitely end up in a fight. I wish he'd just admit he''s not the handyman he thinks he IS. Hearing him speak kindly of other folks, being gentler in his speech, since he KNOWS how unkind the world can be. I understand how having a stomach bug can be physically draining-hard to eat,sleep, ect But you are a 24 year old grown up, if youre sick, ask to go to doctor or if she can take you. I m not saying it s right, but I am not putting in the effort for someone who lies to my face about everything. Submitted by vabeachgal on Sun, 04/16/2017 - 10:08. AskMen, Become a Better Man, Big Shiny Things, Mantics and guyQ are among the federally WebNo, that's not normal in a loving marriage. Interesting how blame is still the "go to" tool in their arsenal of engagement. Pain beyond belief. Some men are selfish creatures. I only wanted to make things easier on myself, for three nights a week. (sorry, another vent) .. So,when it comes to love, what to do, and where to go from here. This goes so deep. You go through all of this, the burden of having a partner with a chronic illness who is always sick, the worry when I dont text back for a while and you know Im There was no safe way to drive the manual transmission with one foot, so I had to use the broken foot on the clutch. That's not even in my nature.". I do not think I will see a lasting change because myspousewith ADD is alwaysout for himself. I don't think there is a way to forgive things like this. Wise1. This has been validating. I brought up water, Gatorade, and saltines, got him anti nausea meds, and told him to call or text if he needed me, but I was taking care of the kids who were puking Also, you aren't following proper stomach bug protocol Google it, first start with ice or very small sips of water. Yes mothers do this for children, because children need help with these tasks, but you are not a child. Here is another way to think about it. Okay, WE?? What does it take to stop running into these types of people? And that doctor he threatened to sue likely saved his son's life. Remind her of how bad you feel and how much you'd appreciate her help while you recover. Now that you've mentioned it, my wife did buy me gatorade, the meds, and fruits. I don't think this is necessarily an ADHD thing. We don't have kids yet. I always wished I had the guts to leave him but the codependencykept me there. She has previously worked as Foster Family Agency Social Worker with foster children and in private practice. Whether it's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human interaction: we're here to help! He is Always the "Victim" and Everything is Always My Fault! 2023 ZIFF DAVIS CANADA, INC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. I'm feeling better now! I decided then to leave. Interesting. If my husband had a stomach bug that lasted a few days and he didnt go to the doctor I would probably be like your wife too. Eventually, he got through it and started healing. All I have to say about that is..THAT..is some Fucked Up Shit.right there!! This means you may think it's obvious when you need a hug or some connection, but they may not 'see' it. His brother was paranoid-schizophrenic, diagnosed at 18 and died a few years ago from drug addiction. He is Extremely self centered, has No Empathy or Sympathy for anyone except himself. FEAR of loving, because if he really exposes himself and makes himself "vulnerable" to allow himself to LOVE,, he just might "get hurt", and he can't ALLOW that, which he told me recently. Nothing. So I had been barfing all day long.almost going to the hostpital and was sicker than I had ever been before or after except with Appendicitis as an adult. (Soup after you just threw up is too soon). The world should recognize his presence and he should be treated with utmost respect while giving none in returnto ANYONE! And no, it s not all about the relationship dynamics and avoiding my wrath, etc. My experience with ADD people is they are takers. Never underestimate the callousness of the narcissist. To live content with small means; to be worthy, not respectable; to listen to stars and birds, babes and sages, with open heart; to study hard; to think quietly, act frankly, talk gently, this is my symphony.
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